Needle & thread

I am afraid of the words i have yet to write
Afraid of what more i might have to say
Afraid that the work is not done
That the work is never done

But i am choosing to claim my space
There is no space for IT anymore
The experience, the trauma, the rape
It cannot run my life, i will not let it

I know sexual violence is a wound
That closes, can be sewn shut
But never fully heals
But i am afraid to spend the rest of my life stitching

Sick of hearing people say it never goes away
It never fully heals
It’s always there
Can’t escape it deep down

What if i don’t have to stitch wounds my whole life
What if i let go
What if i take all of the power my pain has had over me
What if i make it my power instead

Maybe i am not healed | half-healed | healing
Maybe i never will be
But all i know is that i am truly living
After i felt so close to dying

I am not afraid to be queer, to be woman
I am not afraid to go out at night
I am not afraid to call out my rapists’ names
I am not afraid to stay alive
Or die trying

Maybe i am doing it all wrong
Maybe i am not proof of healing
I do not want to be a lesson
But i am proof of surviving.

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